Friday, September 01, 2006

I'm so tempted to change the name of my blog to simply Sea's Blog and change the subtitle to something like: white woman blogging on race or even novice anti-racist musings whatever. I think I just need to sit with the urge and notice how bad it feels.

Well, it started from being around white people a lot in the past two weeks. And noticing, not only the mean things we do to each other and call it love but also that my responses were not enlightened in most cases. Sure I made a little less mess and I was able to clean it up and get back up off the floor. But it served to tell me, "Sea you have a long way to go to call yourself a teacher of white people."

Heck, first I actually have to forgive us. I think I actually have to stay compassionate as I get close and that is going to take time. I think it's so hard because I have to actually face my own whiteness meaning privilege and the class stuff that I have carried. It's really tempting to just stay away from my group so I don't have that reflecting mirror.

But it's not right.

And people of color would pick up on it.

So, my task? To have a lot more sessions (read another hundred hours easy) on what it was like to grow up white.

But I want the easy way out. I just want to change the name of my blog. I'm not really trying to open a center to heal from racism, do I? I mean, that implies that I am in good enough shape to like be there and like counsel people instead of just throw stones at them.

Read a few of my recent blogs. I'm laughing at stupid white people. I'm not going to get anywhere that way am I?

And another thing. What if a friend of mine chooses today to read this blog. Or someone I really want to impress. I want them to think I have my act together and have this great center going already. Can't I just make this blog look like I have some major headquarters which is thriving? LOL.

Well, I might just need to sit with this and not change the blog title. Not give up on myself or the project.

It just gets to the point sometimes where I'm sure I'm going to be diagnosed by some shrink with obsessive/compulsive end-racism disorder.

And that's a laugh. But the part that is true is that I'm very much afraid that I will forget if I don't keep racism in my face. I get it that as a white woman I could just walk away and not even know my own life was fukked up until racism ends. I get worried that if I keep harping constantly about racism that pretty soon I'm just background noise.

That's a fear. That's interesting. I can notice that I feel scared about that. Hmm!

I get to keep going.

And I get to know that I do get something. I get that I DO need to keep racism in my face because otherwise I will not move forward as a human being and have the life and the world I want.

It IS easy to forget.

Like right now. I've shown you that I've forgotten that I am on the job to lead white people to end racism. It's okay that I notice I'm incompetent and inadequate to end racism but the deal is I'm the one who is AVAILABLE.

So sit on this I will. Listening For Change Argh it sounds so pretentious and self-important at the moment. And my bio. God! Who do I think I am?

Sit Sea, Sit.

4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Why are you doing this? What is your agenda? What's it to you white girl?

10:04 PM PDT  
Anonymous Will said...

If you manage to keep other parts of your life together, do you think where you are living is going to let you forget that racism operates in the world we currently live.

I agree that pretending is something grounded people from any backround will pick up on pretty quickly.

The other person who commented. Is the term White Girl filled with love and appreciation?

Its great to be White. It sucks to be carrying racism just as it sucks to be carrying any kind of resentment.

Listening for Change is a good monicer. Putting an a in parenthesis in there might lighten it up a bit.

I think the process you are going through right now is a healthy one.

Good Luck

5:53 AM PDT  
Blogger Sea's Blog said...

anonymous
thx for the comment.

Have you read any of my blogs? Including this posting. As for why? I want my humanness intact. I want my own mind not a recording based on misinformation and hurt. Uh, basically I want to end racism. Since I was born, like you, I've wanted justice. That got clouded over bigtime at times but I never stopped fighting for it.

The agenda? I think racism is a kingpin holding all other oppressions in place. So ending it would be good.

What's it to this white girl? If the above doesn't cover it, basically, there's a human being inside this white wrapper.

Love ya.

5:41 PM PDT  
Blogger Sea's Blog said...

Will, I live in a place where I'm minority as white person. I've wanted that. Did it purposely, as you know. It does keep it in my face. No I'm not afraid I would forget about racism, just that was the post at the time.

We all have things we hold so tightly because it *feels* like they'd just go away if we don't keep obsessing on them.

If that were true, if forgetting about racism would make it go away it would be great!

What I don't want is to go back to the blindness.

Anyway, there's already a group called listening for a change. You can google them.

Thanks, I feel pretty healthy all over. Kinda tingly too.

5:45 PM PDT  

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