Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Permission to speak freely?

"If you do not breathe through writing, if you do not cry out in writing, or sing in writing, then don't write, because our culture has no use for it."--Anais Nin (via Max)

No I don't want Dish TV or any other satellite TV. I don't like your shows. For the most part they reinforce fear and racism--classism and sexism etc etc. No, I don't want a security system surrounding my house. (For the fifth time.) I am not in danger. Just because I am a white woman living in a neighborhood with a lot of black people do you think I am scared? NO I'm not. Am I supposed to be scared? In order to keep capitalism in place, yes. I feel safer here than I've felt in a long time. You can't sell me your fear merchandise.

So no for the fifteenth time I do not want the Oregonian, DISH, the competition of Dish, cable, I don't want Brinks or whoever else. I do not DO NOT want life insurance etc etc. (Yes, I recently moved.)

Since I moved to a neighborhood where I am the minority as a white person, I had a person I won't say what relationship to me, tell me they had a vision of (get this) a WHITE WOLF protecting my home. Uh, yes, this was a white man saying this with a straight face. Well, let's see first of all are we dabbling in some native spirituality we shouldn't be? And second of all WHITE wolf? PROTECTING me? Is "white" the good spirit or some shit? Why wasn't your vision of a black wolf or a brown wolf. Is anyone a little nervous visiting me in North Portland now? Is the protection you seek for me FROM the black folks around me? lol I don't know I'm sorry it's just too fucking funny sometimes. Nobody wanted to protect my ass when I lived in SE Portland. (Otherwise it was a very sweet vision and I appreciate the love behind it.)

And another white neighbor said he was calling a "block party" for a "few of us". Now, let me see? Would that be for the white folks on either side of your house? I mean geez. That aint a block party bud.

I'm bad. I know I poke fun at my own people. But shit once in a while this white girl who is so disciplined at loving everybody just has to cut loose and be a bitch!! After all this is a blog. It's not a damn classroom! At least not today it isn't.

There's a FENCE in between us can't you see that? (LOL, not really) That's what I joked about saying to a different neighbor who offered to take everyone's contact info to "look out for eachother". (Yes, he was white altho I think he has poc friends--or were those his employees?) Am I imagining this or are people suggesting I'm in an unsafe neighborhood? Get a clue.

I am in a society that fucking trains us to be negative, scared, isolated and distrustful of everyone. Oh, and especially black people. Like the doll test going around that makes these white bloggers so SAD! I don't know why I think these folks are bitches doing nothing but oh, feeling so BAD!! (Altho I shouldn't pick on her, she's a big girl and she'll beat my butt to rat shit with her stampedes.)

But I saw something today on the news that just broke my heart, and I think it's important, though I'm having difficulty articulating why it has affected me so profoundly.

Isn't that cute? "I'm having difficulty articulating why" it bothers me that little black girls think they are bad. She might as well have said, "Yeah, racism is not a problem to ME. (Whine whine.) I'm white! Why should it bother ME any?" Okay I'm being a butt-head, I know.

And the email about female safety from "friends" is messed up too. I do look around my car before I get in and make sure a panel truck with a serial killer is not sitting there! But geez! Okay that's enough. I'm sorting through stupid garbage right now and calling this financial organization.

Day what of my financial recovery project and my "freeze" on spending is a laugh but I'm not giving up on myself.

I had an epiphany the kind you don't want to have. It was "people think that they are thinking but they aren't." Isn't that a load of fun?

But dang it includes me on a regular basis. So, back to work. There IS intelligence in this brain. There IS a human inside this blonde white woman who thinks she's got to have it all and yesterday.

See? This is why I don't blog regularly :-) I have all this kind of fun in my listening exchanges instead. But heck if Max likes Anais Nin and Henry Miller there might be hope for an ex-acid head like me who likes to write poetry and show no one.

Other than that--there will be a lesson tomorrow on internalized white stupid stuff (as displayed herewith.) :-)


[edited for a correction: the vision was a wolf not a coyote]


Blogger Kate said...

I think your epiphany is a useful one... but I also think that, underneath all our shit, all people are thinking, all the time. I visualize it as these humans under a giant, thick, crusty cocoon of distress, doing great thinking but it creeps out through the crevices (sp?) and ends up crappy.

Also, while none of us are thinking well as often as we'd like to, nor as often as we think, it's probably useful for you to give yourself some more credit for all the thinking well you do!

Rock on...

5:17 AM PDT  
Blogger Sea's Blog said...

thx kate. I agree that there is some thinking going on all the time (somewhere) and okay thx about the giving myself credit stuff.

This post goes out of my norm and I tried it on. Didn't expect an RCer to be there. :-)Good contradiction. I can see you won't get confused and know the difference between reality and distress here. Thx.

8:18 AM PDT  

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