Friday, April 14, 2006

"Up in the night thinking of you ... and you."

Closeness is our nature. Those needs, early on, even with the best of parents (by that I mean the most attentive, loving, warm and relaxed) those needs don't get met. No parent can provide full-on attention for 24/7 in the way that the young person would actually want it ...

That's okay. We have a natural healing process.

Too bad that process gets shut down by the same well-meaning adults who couldn't meet our needs for closeness to begin with.

The hurt is there. An unmet need early on. It may seem small but it sets in this I'm-actually-alone.-No-one-can-be-there-for-me recording. (By recording I mean a rigid internal message that isn't based on benign reality). The reality is we are connected.

The reality is our parents loved us, got us to where we are today. Back then, even when our parents messed up, they were doing the best they could and it was never our fault if they treated us bad. To a young person it's all very personal though. Mommy answered the phone. We were playing a moment ago. There must be something wrong with me. I'm bad.

Thus the need for the natural healing process.

If you watch a young person, they will use it. And it's something I teach, because not all adults still have access to that process. I'll call it NHP.

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I need to explain what a frozen need is then.

It's an old need that wasn't met at the time it was needed. And then the NHP wasn't allowed. So the hurt, the old need couldn't be filled.

And since that time the young person will try over and over to use the NHP or to get the need met. We are so smart! We are so courageous! We are so strong!

The hope is (in spite of the no-one-can-be-there-for-me recording) the hope is that maybe THIS time, THIS person can be there for me. I'll maybe rattle this person in front of me and maybe THEY will reach in where my parents couldn't. Maybe THEY will be the one to set things right in my heart.

Not so.

But why not? Oh, they can love us alrite. But they can never FILL the old need because this is the present and that need was the past.

So that kind, that slice, that segment of our desires is something that can't be met because it's frozen!

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